Reflection # 9
This strange feeling of forced hope.
This cause of insecurity and vulnerability.
I can’t lie. I’m struggling at the moment with this idea. Up to a certain age we are pointed in the “right” direction, given steps and tips on becoming this person who in the end will create stability. In a sense, this is a home for our developed souls, for us to be ourselves, comfortable and have a calm with no worries. Our parents protect us from the unknown, because they don’t want us to go through the inevitable stresses they once were welcomed too. Because of the unknown.
The Unknown = My Journey
My Journey = Me
If this equation is correct, why won’t I allow the journey to progress on its own? Am I scared of who I actually may be? Am I scared of the real me? Am I scared of all the failures and accomplishments I may endure.
Why yes I am scared. Shit scared of the endless memories I will have outside of my own control.
I wish I could be free of the fear. This fear is beginning to turn me into a snail. Shamed and scared to expose this unsureness that reads all over my face. This wanting to be alone to discover this “Sophia identity”.
The funny thing about all this is that I realize this about myself. I talk about this with others. I’m aware of my fears. I’m not in denial.
A lot turn spiritually to get some clear guidance, but even with that it is still unclear. If I, Sophia, cannot figure out who I am, how can I have this belief that someone else can.
I am religious, for more reasons than one. Such an organic relationship I have created between me and the man above. I guess my main question is, do I let go of ALL and LET God? or is it a 45%-55% relationship? Am I holding my end of the bargain? I just have so many questions and I would like to demand answers but even when I’m faced with answers I still have questions.
Nothing is ever good enough. I want arrows as a form of direction and a written book about how to be Sophia.
Only time will tell they say. So maybe the unknown is going to be my reality for a while and I, Sophia, need to just get adjusted to it.
Life isn’t a Cinderella story, I’m very clear about that. My life therefore has no story as of yet, because it has never been created. Every day I awake, with the unknown, is a new day for me to discover and live the life I was blessed to have. So in the end maybe having the chance to have access to the unknown is a blessing in disguise. Maybe I just need to accept the fact that I am blessed. View the unknown as a gift from the man upstairs.
Therefore I guess,
The Unknown = Me.
That is who I ideally may be.